My Birthday Must Haves - BITCHIN' SISTERS

My Birthday Must Haves

10 Oct

Scary thought. I’m turning thirty-five twenty-five on Halloween, so we’re having a birthday costume party. Translation: Eight friends come over, drink three beers, slam a Black Russian and leave by ten o’clock because we’ve all got eleventy-six million activities to do with the kids the following day. (Oh, and by Black Russian, I mean the drink…this time).  <Pan to a bunch of adults dressed-up like jackasses. Half are slutty superheroes or unrecognizable celebrities, while the other half just put on their spouse’s dress because they’ve always wanted to see what it feels like to have boobs. All desperately trying to relive their youth.>

What we envision our Halloween party to be.

What we envision our Halloween party to be.




But, more on that later.

Back to my birthday. For the record, I’m not one of those people who’s all “your presence is present enough” or “aw, you shouldn’t have.” Fuck that. I want presents. Tons of ’em.

And just so that you have a general sense of what you should get me, here are a few of the things I want need for my 35th, ahem 25th, birthday. You should get them for yourself too. TWINSIES!

Michael Kors Watch






What time is it? It’s birthday time, bitches. So buy this for mama. I will layer several hundred gold bracelets over this ‘old man chic’ timepiece and be the most stylish mom at the grocery store and date night at the Olive Garden. <— That’s depressing.

The look I'm going for.

The look I’m going for.




Meh. Maybe next year.

A Dyson

You may remember this from my Mother’s Day post. Yeah, well I still don’t have one. Which totally sucks. I want the animal one because we have a dog who is roughly the size of a cow and he sheds like Chewbacca. Side-eye, cow dog.

"Do you have any idea how busy my day has been? I had to go to my water bowl. Twice."

“Do you have any idea how fucking busy my day has been? I had to go to my water bowl. Twice.”


This purse

Sure, if you looked in my purse right now, you’d find used band aids, a disgusting tube of chapstick, one child’s shoe, receipts from 2009, sticky change and straw wrappers, but don’t I deserve a nice purse? Remember Margot? That boozebag has one. Why not me?

And the price is totally reasonable. So I won’t feel terrible when one of my children vomits all over it or covers it with Spongebob Squarepants stickers.

Little Partners Learning Tower

It’s time to put the minions to work. None of this “but I’m only a child” business. This tower of awesomeness allows even the smallest of kids to help with dishes and dinner while allowing you to catch-up on laundry (Pretty Little Liars).

Tower of Awesomeness

Tower of Awesomeness

Wine. In my face.

I love this wine. And not just because Hootie and the Blowfish owns it, but because the proceeds give back to children with disabilities…and Hootie and the Blowfish owns it.

Willow Tree Chicken Salad

Okay, so not necessarily a birthday gift, but it’s a must have.  What on earth do they put into this succulent, mayonnaisy goodness? I’m horkin’ down a container as I type. I’d dip my boobs in it if my kids weren’t in the next room. You can also rationalize that there are very few carbs in a serving, so you can have more Hootie and the Blowfish wine. It’s all about priorities, people.

Psst...There's crack cocaine in this.

Psst…There’s crack cocaine in this.


A Nanny

Settle down, not like a full-time nanny. Like a nice, pretty lady who appears out of nowhere from time-to-time (like when your kids are fighting over the Rainbow Loom), wielding happiness and a bottomless carpet bag of discipline. And I’m dying to know what’s in that medicine bottle.

No one is this happy.

“Um, Mary? We don’t roofie our kids in 2013. Put the family bird down and step away from the bottle of Laudanum.”


The Rachel Zoe Line

Like the whole thing.

I know she’s a shallow, vapid shell of a human, but I love her so. I want to be her best friend, assistant or maid. I want to live in her hair and play with her jewelry. I want our kids to have play dates in trendy clothes. Skylar will wear a Versace fedora while my son will wear his cousin’s hand-me-downs. I love every single piece of clothing that she puts out. <— Heh heh. I just said puts out.

I can't even right now...I. Die.

I can’t even right now…I. Die.

Me too, Rach. Me. Too.

But seriously. I need this.



Tig from Sons of Anarchy




Oh wait. That’s a different list. But, as far as sociopathic, murderous gun runners go, he’s the one for me.

At this point, I’m feeling really superficial about my wish list.

World Peace

I'm pretty sure that's Bill Clinton

I’m pretty sure that’s Bill Clinton. Eleven O’Clock.


Ray-Ban Wayfarers

So let me just say this. I’ve held off on getting these for three reasons: 1.) I’d lose them in a week 2.) One of my kids would snap them in half and/or 3.) I thought for sure they’d only be in season for one summer. Like five years ago. Now, I need them.


So I can be all…

Oh behave.

Oh behave.


Anyway, you get the idea. World peace and tons of other stuff.

Now I just need to figure out where to shop for clothes. I’m officially too old for Forever 21, but not quite ready for Chico’s.

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15 Responses to “My Birthday Must Haves”

  1. heather October 10, 2013 at 1:43 am #

    That’s clearly Pat Sajak. Not Bill Clinton. Happy Birthday anyway.

  2. Jessica October 10, 2013 at 1:52 am #

    It’s actually Donald Trump. Or Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a child…

  3. Shelley October 10, 2013 at 2:10 am #

    I just ordered you the Rachel Zoe jacket. Happy Birthday! It should be there in 2 days (Thank you Amazon Prime), if it’s not, just wait longer.
    P.S. There’s only 1 left in stock, people, get it while you can!!

  4. Lisa October 10, 2013 at 10:35 am #

    And I thought I was the only one that has a thing for Tig!

  5. Patrice October 10, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

    Let me know when you figure out where to shop. I’ve been told too many times recently that one of my favorite stores (Loft) is an “old lady store”. Happy birthday!

  6. Estelle Cameron October 22, 2013 at 2:16 am #

    There doesn’t appear to be much ‘salad’ in that ‘chicken salad’. Am I right in saying its more of a chicken condiment? Or chicken and condiment? Call me old fashioned, but I thought salads were mostly green. Or at least mostly plants. Looks good though, I’ve got to say. If it was sold here in Australia I’d surely buy a tub and give it a try. Happy Birthday! I love reading your blog and look forward to each new post. Hootie and the Blowfish make wine!? Ah, the things we miss out on here in the southern hemisphere…

  7. Jesse October 23, 2013 at 3:38 am #

    This had me laughing out loud! I miss you.

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