Kylo Ren is so high maintenance - BITCHIN' SISTERS

Kylo Ren is so high maintenance

2 Jan

We were finally able to catch Star Wars Episode 765: The Last Jedi (please God I hope not. I feel like we can squeeze at least another three to four decades out of this never ending saga.)

A brief recap.

Kylo Ren is still high maintenance AF. He’s all “I’m on the dark side, no, I’m on the light side.” Dramatic eyeball, BEN. Cuz that’s you’re real name. Ben.


Can you hold my Cosmo

Can you hold my cosmo while I decide if I’m going to continue to be an evil dick or not.


Speaking of high maintenance, Luke Skywalker has been sulking around Mopey Island since 1983. He spends his days breastfeeding off of space brontos and talking to galactic hedgehogs. Sir Mopesalot shares the island with weird industrious nuns, whom I love.


I don't know, man. I guess I just thought someone would come looking for me by now.

I don’t know, man. I guess I just thought someone would come looking for me by now.


What the hell does he do all day?

What the hell does he do all day?


One of my favorite themes of the film was the general badassery of female characters.

Rose and Rey…Get. Shit. Done. R&R just blast around space, fucking shit up. Meanwhile, Kylo and Skywalker (who insist on being called ‘Ky’ and ‘Sky’) are trying to decide which robes best match their mood today.


Do you have any Mederma?

Hey, Luke, can I borrow your Mederma?


Are these guys for real?

Are these guys for real?


The Commander in Purple is pretty bomb. She is grace under fire and the kind of friend you want to be in the deep space trenches with. I’d always make time to dye my hair in the midst of constant warfare too. What I want to know is how she gets a ball gown while everyone else is in neutral colored tunics. She must be from Space Monte Carlo.


Let me slip into something more comfortable while the universe implodes.

Let me slip into something more comfortable while the universe implodes.


Which brings me to SPACE MONTE CARLO. They call it Canto Bight, I call it Canto RIGHT. I want to live there. That place looks so bougey. Like a bougey little hedonistic, interplanetary paradise. I’ll party with those greedy little alien fuckers like it’s long ago. Don’t worry, I’ll save all those cute cosmic camels.





Long ago, in a galaxy far far away, tons of shit is going down and C3PO is still fucking useless. I do feel like everyone is super hard on Cthreeps this episode. Every time the poor droid opens his mouth, he gets smacked down. He’ll probably end up on Mopey Island with Sky.


I'm absolutely useless

Forty years later and I’m still absolutely useless


Was that really all it took to kill Master Leader Supreme Asshole Snoke? Homeboy looks like he’s been put through a woodchipper a half dozen times and in one moment of weakness, Ky Guy decides to snuff him out with the flick of a wrist.


Who's thirsty?

Can someone please get this man a celestial facial


Meanwhile, the Praetorian are as useless as C3PO. They just dance around Snokey’s throne room, wishing they were in Canto Right with the fun aliens. I feel you guys, I feel you.


Uselesstorian Garbage People

Uselesstorian Garbage People


My all time favorite moment was watching this guy get bitch slapped across the room. Cuz that’s all I wanted to do every time he opened his whingey mouth.





Princess Leia is still everything. The End.

I remember watching her as a child thinking “when I grow up I want to be just like her.” I still do. She is so effortlessly cool. RIP, Leia Organo Solo.


I know what you're going to say. I changed my hair.

I know what you’re going to say. I changed my hair.


For the win. May the force be with you.

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