Humor Archives - BITCHIN' SISTERS
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Disney Survival Guide

6 Jan

The happiest place on earth is a goddamn lie. There I said it. Recently 700 of my closest relatives and I went to Disney World and it was magical exhausting and expensive. Here’s a few words of advice: 1.) You need to arise at Zero Dark Thirty to make it to the park before the […]

Things We Learned During the Rio 2016 Olympics

22 Aug

Last night the closing ceremonies for the 2016 Summer Olympics aired. If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a good part of the last two weeks glued to your television watching super athletes, who you’ll never be like, achieve their wildest dreams, while you ate ice cream, drank wine and lusted after the men’s water polo team. […]

North and South

25 Aug

One night, in the dead of the worst, apocalyptic, soul crushing Massachusetts winter ever, my husband was all “wanna move to North Carolina?” and I was all “Yeah. totally…” took a sip of my wine and continued to watch Ray Donovan.     Turns out, he was serious. So a month ago, I quit my job, […]

Thirteen Phrases that Assault the Senses.

19 Nov

1.) Broad. Call me a broad and watch what happens. Haven’t heard much about Andrew Dice Clay lately? That’s because he’s fertilizer. He called one too many woman a broad and she poked him in the eye with her stripper heel. That’s not true, but it should be. ‘Broad’ is like ‘chick’ only it makes […]

Halloween: Sluts, guts and please, no nuts.

22 Oct

I love Halloween. And not just because it’s my birthday. <–LIE.   When I was young, I loved having my birthday on Halloween. We would have parties with haunted house themes, costume contests, ghost stories and shit loads of candy. I loved it. I would agonize over my costume. Should I be an old lady (again) or a jar […]

My Birthday Must Haves

10 Oct

Scary thought. I’m turning thirty-five twenty-five on Halloween, so we’re having a birthday costume party. Translation: Eight friends come over, drink three beers, slam a Black Russian and leave by ten o’clock because we’ve all got eleventy-six million activities to do with the kids the following day. (Oh, and by Black Russian, I mean the drink…this […]

Lice is a four letter word.

28 Sep

Mother effer. My daughter has lice. Let me rephrase that. My daughter came home with lice two weeks ago. For the first three days, I treated the shit out of her hair…sanitized, vacuumized, circumcised and alchemized my entire house and chalked it up as a Rite of Passage. I thought we were in the clear and turned my attention back […]

Tumbler? You Brought Her!

25 Sep

We are so all over this one!  $9.95 for traveling serenity = Yes, please! Share

My Husband is MIA for DIY

22 Sep

I’m married to a carpenter. He does beautiful work. In other people’s homes. We’ve lived in our home since 1997. Since then, I have asked him, bribed him, threatened him, cajoled him to fix a few things around the house and to help me maintain day-to-day functions. Like not leaving his huge man things everywhere […]

Um. We have a virus, bitches.

13 Sep

There once were two sisters who lived in a small town near Boston (more like Cape Cod, but I’m not sure if our new readers in Zimbabwe know where “the Cape” is). One day, these sisters decided to write a facetious article about how badly they suck at Pinterest crafts, back-to-school preparedness, the art of getting […]