Thirteen Phrases that Assault the Senses. - BITCHIN' SISTERS

Thirteen Phrases that Assault the Senses.

19 Nov

1.) Broad. Call me a broad and watch what happens. Haven’t heard much about Andrew Dice Clay lately? That’s because he’s fertilizer. He called one too many woman a broad and she poked him in the eye with her stripper heel. That’s not true, but it should be. ‘Broad’ is like ‘chick’ only it makes me homicidal.

 

Did you just call me a broad? Poke.

Did you just call me a broad? Poke.

 

2.) “At the end of the day…” You know these people. They start a sentence like this…”At the end of the day, it really only matters that we are all free to be you and me, ya know?” Harmless enough…until they get hammered, then it’s every sentence. Every fucking sentence. I have an idea! How about at the end of the day, its’ night. And if you keep saying “at the end of the day…” At the end of the day, a gang of angry evil gnomes will break into your house and beat the hell out of you with tiny shovels. Please note: These people typically also start a sentence with “Again…” See #9.

 

At the end of the day, it's all about where your drunk ass puts the elf.

At the end of the day, it’s all about where your drunk ass puts the elf.

 

3.) “Let’s partner with <insert other department/company/colleague here> on this.” Who are we? Starsky and Hutch? This is a fancy way of saying “bug the shit out of someone until they do what you want them to do.” There’s no ceremony, there’s no walking down the street arm and arm, (Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Something something incorporated!) Listen, until I’m sliding over the hood of our car, to do a sexy side jump in the window, whilst you do a donut peel-out maneuver, we aren’t partners. We work together, so do your job.

 

Clearly they should have partnered with a stylist. Who gets laid in that sweater?

Clearly they should have partnered with a stylist. Who gets laid in that sweater?

 

Oh. That’s right. He does.

 

Hey, grandma.

“I don’t know why y’all are so surprised that I’m wearing this sweater. I wear Uggs. And sometimes rouge.”

 

4.) Whilst…. Actually, I don’t care, I like it. You try to make a word like ‘while’ funnier. I’m using it. Fuck, now this has to be a list of 13 phrases.

 

5.) Pussy. Ok I said it. I don’t know what I want you to call it, and I get to call it whatever I want. Even if I want to call it 007 or Harold, you aren’t allowed to call it a pussy. Unless you are the proud owner of one or you’re the Creative Director for Penthouse, don’t call it a pussy. Again, Andrew Dice Clay. He’s under my patio for this crime. Bada Bing. Ew. Oh wait that just made #6 easier.

 

"Oh yes yes yes, I see it now. You're so good at finding the weird shadows on the pussy."

“Oh yes yes yes, I see it now. You’re so good at finding the weird shadows on the pussy.”

 

6.) Bada Bing. I know. Who says that? No one. Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s important to have a catch phrase. Lets face it, catch phrases are scarce these days. This one could make a comeback. Let’s stop it before it begins. It gives me the douche chills.

 

He can. You cannot.

He can. You can not.

 

7.) Panties. Just don’t. Seriously. It’s gross.

 

You know who says panties? This guy.

 

"I like kittens. And panties."

“I like kittens. And panties.”

 

I officially just creeped myself out. Moving on.

8.) Outside the box. If you are still using this platitude, you are the box. And your head should be in it.

You know what's still in the box? Your Walkman and REO Speedwagon album. And your Members Only jacket.

You know what’s still in the box? Your Walkman and REO Speedwagon album. And your Members Only jacket.

 

9.) Starting a sentence with “Again” or “As I said before…” You may as well say “Listen fuckface, you’re dumb. Please don’t make me take precious time out of my busy day being an asshole to repeat myself.” You know what I say when someone starts their sentence with “Again, as I said before…?” Nothing. I look blankly at them like this. (Then I flip a table.)

 

"Again. Like I said. You're a dick."

“Again. Like I said. You’re a dick.”

 

10.) Moist. Just don’t. Remember, there’s a fine line between moist and MRSA.

 

Only use the word 'moist' when you're describing cake. Or never.

Only use the word ‘moist’ when you’re describing cake. Or never.

That's some moist MRSA.

That’s some moist MRSA.

 

11.) “Obviously…” You’re sitting around with a group of women, chatting about what so-and-so posted on Facebook and things are going great. You ask the broad in the group that you kind of don’t know a nice question such as… “So Sally, are you going to the (party/5k/Bat Mitzvah) next weekend?” Her reply: “Obviously not, I will be out of town with my two kids.” Oh, that’s so obviously fucking obvious. I forgot I have your schedule for the next three months on my iPhone. Since we barely know each other. You know what’s not obvious is why you have two kids. Someone actually married you and had sex with you. Twice. Obviously, not on purpose.

 

Obviously.

Obviously. Punch.

 

12.) Horny. Nooo. Unless you’re in the eleventh grade and you’re talking about green M&Ms. Cuz everyone knows green M&Ms make you horny. Cringe.

 

If this makes you horny, than you're just a huge perv with a weird candy fetish. And, she kinda looks like MRSA.

If this makes you horny, than you’re just a huge perv with a weird candy fetish. And, she kinda looks like MRSA.

 

13.) “You look good for your age…” Nope. Never say that to a female. Period. Unless she’s 107 years-old and looks like this. Then run because she’s Satan. Obviously.

 

I eat virgins.

I eat virgins.

Again, at the end of the day, never mix #7 with #10. Bada Bing.

Disclaimer: The Bitchin’ Sisters say approximately 85% of these words and sayings. So settle down, broads.

ShareEmail this to someoneShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+

16 Responses to “Thirteen Phrases that Assault the Senses.”

  1. Angie November 19, 2013 at 12:41 am #

    The phrase I Hate the most…..FYI.

  2. Bonnie November 19, 2013 at 1:24 am #

    Here I was being made fun of because I cringe when people say the words moist and panties. Thank God I’m not alone!!!

  3. Deanna November 19, 2013 at 1:26 am #

    I’d like to add “You look great…for just having a baby.” Soooo are you saying if I didn’t just have a baby, I’d look the opposite of great?

  4. Heather November 19, 2013 at 3:01 am #

    Uber and epic. My husband says both. A lot. And I want to stab him in the eye every time.

  5. Kristin November 19, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    “That’s okay…” when you’re telling a story and the person you’re talking to is always trying to one-up you. No, it’s NOT okay that everything in you life is more epic (that’s for you, Heather) than mine.

  6. Lisa and Laura Roecker November 19, 2013 at 5:53 pm #

    Smiles. If you end an email with this word or use it like this : *smiles* I think it makes you sound like a predator.

    • Kristen P December 4, 2013 at 7:55 am #

      My step mom has “smiling” in her email address -__-

  7. Dawn November 19, 2013 at 7:15 pm #

    To me, the most overused phrase is “threw him under the bus”. Dear lord. I heard that phrase on Survivor once about 50 times in one hour. What ever happened to “stabbed him in the back”? Where are all these busses coming from?? HATE IT.

  8. Mack N. Cheese November 19, 2013 at 11:56 pm #

    Yes!

    Also
    “not to be rude, but…”
    “i’m not racist, but…”
    “i’ll be out of pocket all day”
    “just let it happen *organically*”
    and i’m with the other commenter on uber and epic.
    i also hate swole. my husband says it after the gym because he know it makes me want to throw up. ah love. ;)

  9. Katie November 20, 2013 at 2:30 am #

    I’m obsessed with your blog. Hilarious.
    And the pictures and captions are just the best.
    The guy with the kittens… wow. Well done.
    Keep up the fabulous posts-

  10. DMB February 22, 2014 at 4:49 am #

    I love the comment “you get prettier as you get older”….is that a fucking compliment?
    This is an awesome blog by the way!

  11. Rumors of which nfl jersey drafts to a close, obtain the follow-up
    wholesale authentic tennessee titans 1# warren moon blue throwback jersey(signed elite) at our clearance store http://www.21firstst.com/news/cheap-youth-authentic-nfl-jerseys/football-jerseys-broncos/tennessee-titans-1-warren-moon-blue-throwback-jerseysigned-elite-p-1551.html

  12. So, who can I follow? prada friends on the subject of Facebook
    new arrival prada 2014 new style 2760 in black your best choice for value http://www.paraalemdoavatar.com/images/prada-shoes-online-store/prada-handbags-uk/prada-2014-new-style-2760-in-black-p-9535.html

  13. Important closely-preserved prada techniques simplified in clear detail.
    best deals prada 2014 leather bag p152 in purple treat yourself to a great holiday http://www.lagrottaatlanta.com/images/prada-shoes-online-store/prada-handbags-uk/prada-2014-leather-bag-p152-in-purple-p-3479.html

  14. Viewers has the swagger on prada
    high quality prada leisure men shoes 1590805 supper summer savings http://www.tripplegee.com/images/prada-linea-rossa/prada-white-sunglasses/prada-leisure-men-shoes-1590805-p-8879.html

Leave a Reply