Things We Learned During the Rio 2016 Olympics - BITCHIN' SISTERS

Things We Learned During the Rio 2016 Olympics

22 Aug

Last night the closing ceremonies for the 2016 Summer Olympics aired. If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a good part of the last two weeks glued to your television watching super athletes, who you’ll never be like, achieve their wildest dreams, while you ate ice cream, drank wine and lusted after the men’s water polo team.

I’ll keep it short because I need to go practice my mad speed walking skillz. But, here are a few takeaways:

Synchronized Muthafucking Swimming. This was one of my favorite Olympic events to watch. You could throw me and any of my twelve closest friends in a pool and we’d get shit done.

I simply refuse to be the sad bitch, juggling at the bottom of the pool. Or the one that has a foot shoved directly up her ass.

Is it dancing? Is it swimming? Is it an awkward orgy in the water? Yes. Yes it is.

Is it dancing? Is it swimming? Is it an awkward International water orgy? You be the judge.

 

She’s just glad this isn’t ice skating.

 

Seriously. What is happening in this sport? It’s like Fight Club meets Cirque du Soleil. I was equal parts afraid and confused throughout this event.

 

Raise your hand if this makes you wildly uncomfortable.

Raise your hand if this makes you wildly uncomfortable.

 

There’s a lot of thrashing…

 

That's it, girls. Get pissed.

That’s it, girls. You show that water who’s boss. Get pissed.

 

I’d be beating the hell out of the water too if I hadn’t eaten a carb in seven years.

 

Hell hath no fury like a hungry synchronized swimmer.

Hell hath no fury like a hungry synchronized swimmer.

 

Somewhat vaudeville…

 

This is so fucking fun.

Help.

 

A wee bit violent…

 

Stay still, bitch. This will be over in a minute.

Who’s your daddy?

 

Oddly sexual…

 

Can you get pregnant doing this?

Wait. Can you get pregnant doing this?

 

Meanwhile, a gaggle of guys were race walking whilst shitting themselves. Yup. You heard that right. RACE WALKING. Um, I could totally do this. For a solid five minutes. Look for me in 2020.

 

This has to be the most frustrating sport in the world.

 

Just clench your ass cheeks,

Just clench your ass cheeks, walk really fucking fast but, whatever you do, don’t run.

 

In a concerted effort to completely fuck up a life that he and his loved ones have sacrificed everything for, Ryan Lochte was abducted by a mob boss and was forced to find his way back to his mom. Along the way, he met a beautiful girl and they went to Carnival and then they lived happily ever after. Remember that? Me too. It was called Rio. As in the children’s movie.

 

At least he's got his whole life ahead of him.

At least he’s got his whole life ahead of him.

Yes you are, Ryan.

Yes you are, Ryan. Yes you are.

 

While Ry Guy was throwing his life down the toilet, the poor divers were getting blown all the fuck over the place, into a green pool that the men’s water polo team definitely peed in it.

 

 

You could have cut one leg off of each of the women gymnasts, blind folded them, turned the gym upside down, put baby oil on each apparatus and they still would have crushed every single event. I cried like eleven times.

 

Love all four foot 2 of them.

Love all 4’2″ of these baby girls.

 

In further news, we’re now allowed to just dive across finish lines like a fucking puma to win the gold. This was hands down the most infuriating of all moments during the Olympics. Also, I need a job. And a life.

 

I threw ma whole sleeve of Oreos at the tv for this one.

I threw a whole sleeve of Oreos at the tv for this one.

 

I can’t wait for 2020.

 

I'll see you bitches in Tokyo.

I’ll see you bitches in Tokyo.

 

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One Response to “Things We Learned During the Rio 2016 Olympics”

  1. Haiku August 11, 2017 at 10:59 pm #

    Please post some more. In an effort not to kill everyone around me I have to reread your old posts. Or move to CT so we can be best friends. x

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