Last night the closing ceremonies for the 2016 Summer Olympics aired. If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a good part of the last two weeks glued to your television watching super athletes, who you’ll never be like, achieve their wildest dreams, while you ate ice cream, drank wine and lusted after the men’s water polo team.
I’ll keep it short because I need to go practice my mad speed walking skillz. But, here are a few takeaways:
Synchronized Muthafucking Swimming. This was one of my favorite Olympic events to watch. You could throw me and any of my twelve closest friends in a pool and we’d get shit done.
I simply refuse to be the sad bitch, juggling at the bottom of the pool. Or the one that has a foot shoved directly up her ass.
She’s just glad this isn’t ice skating.
Seriously. What is happening in this sport? It’s like Fight Club meets Cirque du Soleil. I was equal parts afraid and confused throughout this event.
There’s a lot of thrashing…
I’d be beating the hell out of the water too if I hadn’t eaten a carb in seven years.
A wee bit violent…
Meanwhile, a gaggle of guys were race walking whilst shitting themselves. Yup. You heard that right. RACE WALKING. Um, I could totally do this. For a solid five minutes. Look for me in 2020.
This has to be the most frustrating sport in the world.
In a concerted effort to completely fuck up a life that he and his loved ones have sacrificed everything for, Ryan Lochte was abducted by a mob boss and was forced to find his way back to his mom. Along the way, he met a beautiful girl and they went to Carnival and then they lived happily ever after. Remember that? Me too. It was called Rio. As in the children’s movie.
While Ry Guy was throwing his life down the toilet, the poor divers were getting blown all the fuck over the place, into a green pool that the men’s water polo team definitely peed in it.
You could have cut one leg off of each of the women gymnasts, blind folded them, turned the gym upside down, put baby oil on each apparatus and they still would have crushed every single event. I cried like eleven times.
In further news, we’re now allowed to just dive across finish lines like a fucking puma to win the gold. This was hands down the most infuriating of all moments during the Olympics. Also, I need a job. And a life.
I can’t wait for 2020.