The phone, the phone is ringing - BITCHIN' SISTERS

The phone, the phone is ringing

4 May

It’s the new Good Night Moon

So at 3:00 a.m. this morning, as I was removing my four-year old daughter’s big toe from my nasal cavity, I thought to myself, it’s time for some mofo sleep training.

This is the baby girl (“BG”) who slept through the night at an early age, happily stayed in her crib until she was three and who I endlessly gloated about. “Oh, the Ferber method? Pffftttt. My daughter is a great sleeper. Sucks to be you….” Flips hair.

Until one night. The door whips open and as my husband dives under the bed to protect himself against the serial killer who was surely going to bludgeon us to death – thanks hun, my knight in shining armor – I see her shadow in the doorway.

“Mommy, daddy, guess what I can do?!” Oh, I don’t know. Never sleep again? Lesson learned: Don’t be a douchy, bragadocious Mom. It will come back to haunt you. Like when you are horrible to a boyfriend and he ends up being your child’s soccer coach fifteen years later.

This was three months ago. Since then our patented four-part bedtime routine of bath, brush, book and bed has turned into a several hour process that ends between 9:00 and 10:30 with me watching the GODDAMN Wonder Pets again (please God, kill them all) until she falls asleep. Not before kicking, punching and pushing me out of my seven inch spot.

Some background: BG is spirited (bossy), independent (kind of mean) and clever (somewhat manipulative and more intelligent than I am).

Aside from a Benadryl dosing and a chained link fence, any tips on sleep training would be appreciated.

My sex life and bruised kidneys thank you.

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8 Responses to “The phone, the phone is ringing”

  1. Kristin Mangini May 4, 2011 at 11:36 pm #

    Love it!!! Have you tried bribary or meaningless threats…I promise gum for breakfast and if that doesn’t work I swear I will call Nanny McPhee to come put them to bed…

    • Anonymous May 5, 2011 at 1:48 pm #

      Kris, fantastic idea! Gum for breakfast. Brilliant!

  2. Charlene May 5, 2011 at 2:00 am #

    Go the F*ck to Sleep is my favorite book ever. You were never a douchy mom. Ever. I think I bragged that J slept through the night at 10 months, and he is in my bed as I write this. No help sis.

    • Anonymous May 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm #


      Thanks. I try hard not to be a douchy mom. I guess there are worse things then no sleep!

  3. mthayer May 6, 2011 at 2:16 pm #

    seriously. . . .could not have been better timing for this. as you were probably writing this post I was sitting down with a large glass of wine as my child screamed from her room for me. and in my head I am thinking how I can muster the patience so when I go up there I don’t yell at her like crazy and strap her down. I AM that mom that thought i had an olympic sleeper. My kid rocks at sleeping, always has. . . therefore I freaking rock. Nope. Not true it seems. All of a sudden my world has come crashing down. 7:30 bedtime is now 9:30 because of the 2 hour battle that ensues. I am trying to be patient, then I try to be firm, then I think I’m just being mean and probably f*ing my child up in some way because of my tactics. I don’t have any advice to offer at this point. I can only share your pain.

  4. Nina May 20, 2011 at 5:54 pm #

    Honestly I think we’ve all ate our words at one point. I was the pre-mom saying how breastfeeding is a breeze and how I’d never give up and what the hell is a milk supply problem? Choked on every word. Feeling your pain and waiting for our sleep eruptions. I too have a perfect child or should I say sleeper.

  5. Margaret October 12, 2013 at 1:55 am #

    I’m assuming naps are no longer happening, right? We had the same problem input gave up naps so bedtimes easier now-gate on her door? Caroline’s 3 1/2 but we still do that so she doesn’t wander at night

  6. shelli October 12, 2013 at 3:08 am #

    Okay, so
    a) this is by far one of the best/funniest blog posts I’ve read in… I don’t know, weeks. (which is impressive)
    b) I really, really want to say something totally unhelpful, like “does your bedroom door have a lock?” and I did. so there’s that.
    c) seriously (aka boring) when my 3yo started coming in to our room with 1million and 3 reasons to sleep with us, I put down a little crib-sized mattress on the floor next to the bed and said, “of course, sweetheart, you can sleep here whenever (x, y, z) keeps you from sleeping in your own room.” It wasn’t my genius idea – something I read… somewhere? But wouldn’t you know… In about 3 nights, just like the article suggested, the child gets bored. No more midnight visits.
    Good luck.

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