The Last Few Weeks of School and Other Things I Suck at - BITCHIN' SISTERS

The Last Few Weeks of School and Other Things I Suck at

3 Jun

It’s the end of the school year and shit’s falling apart like Gwen Stefani’s NuvaRing up in here.

Tests, recitals, awards ceremonies, field trips, field days, field mice, crazy hat day, crazy shirt day, crazy sock day and every fund raiser under the fucking sun is knocking at your front door and you’re all “wasn’t it just the beginning of the year?”

 

Oh you need more money? You know what I need?

Oh you need more money? You know what I need? A vacationĀ and a pool boy named Fernando.

 

I haven’t lost 20 pounds like I had planned to back in October, because I’ve spent all year watching Outlander, eating carbs and folding laundry. What have I become?

 

It's not pornography. It's historical sex.

It’s not pornography. It’s historical sex.

 

Last week, my children came home with every piece of art they did all year. Great. Let me laminate these in my spare time and put them on my completely unrealistic posterity wall.

 

 

Bite me.

Bite me.

 

 

A typical morning these days:

Daughter: “Mom! Where is my favorite owl necklace?! It’s crazy necklace day!”

Me: “There are jumper cables in my living room. Do you think I know where your favorite owl necklace is?”

(What the actual fuck is with all the ‘crazy’ days? Remember when we just put on our Guess jeans and went to school? crazy crazy crazy.)

Daughter: “I don’t have any clean underwear!”

Me: “Me neither! Just wear your brothers!”

 

For real

For real

 

Son (at 8:15 pm): “I have a school project due tomorrow. I need to make a diorama of an Incan tribe invading Poland…” (or something equally ridiculous)

Me: “Just go watch HobbyKidsTV. At least that mom is doing something with her fucking life.”

 

I can't wait for HobbyMom's sex tape from 2004 to be released. We'll see who gets paid to play with toys then, HobbyMom. Side eye.

I can’t wait for HobbyMom’s sex tape from 2004 to be released. We’ll see who gets paid to play with toys then, HobbyMom. Side eye.

 

I don’t even bother wearing my “good” yoga pants anymore. I just roll up to school in my husband’s sweatpants, looking like a hot mess and am thankful that my kids are wearing pants.

 

Have a good day at school. Mommy loves you.

Have a good day at school. Mommy loves you.

 

Hold on bitches, summer is right around the corner. In two weeks you can listen to your kids complain about how bored they are for a hundred days.

 

 

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One Response to “The Last Few Weeks of School and Other Things I Suck at”

  1. Tina June 4, 2016 at 4:51 am #

    That’s totally my life right now.
    Just add a bunch of dentist appointments on top
    and some work related meetings, and a conference trip to Seattle on top.
    And shake really well.

    And I wanted to use the last three weeks of school to get my nutrition cleaned up and my body in form by doing sport every day *blahahahablala*

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