Snow Days

30 Jan

Tis’ the season for eleventy billion snow days. Sure, we’ll be in school until mid-July, but I love snow days. For the first hour. On the first snow day.

The night before the first snowfall of the season:

“Kids! We’re going to have so much fun on this glorious snow day! We’ll go sledding, build forts, have hot cocoa and do tons of awesomey indoorsy stuff…”

I ave an idea! Let's carve huge fucking swan thingies in the backyard!

“I have an idea! Let’s carve huge fucking horse swans in the backyard!”


Then, you spend forty-three minutes bundling your cherubs up. You close the door, turn on Lana Del Ray and begin your Valentine’s Day craft project (episode of Betrayal). Life is good. Snow days rule.


Do you want to build a snowman?

“Do you want to build a snowman?”


Except…after seventeen and a half seconds, your snow bunnies are back in the house, tracking snow and ice everywhere, complaining about how cold it is and demanding sugar and your iPad. This is not how you imagined it would be.


"It's time to go sledding, children. And, have any of you seen my favorite ascot? This one simply won't do."

“It’s time to go sledding, children. And, have any of you seen my favorite ascot? This one simply won’t do.”


I feel like when we grew up, we played outside in the snow all damn day. I can count at least five near fatal sledding injuries during my youth. I once flew off an embankment on my Thundertube and hit a parked car. No shit. In the emergency room, my mom was all “How many times have I told you not to sled into the street? Stick to playing on the (sometimes) frozen pond.” Ah, the eighties.


"There's a fifty percent chance that I'm going to die right now."

“There’s like a fifty percent chance that I’m going to die right now.”


Now there’s the internet, a few thousand more television channels, newer versions of Atari 4600 and the snow consists of burning acid seemingly. Kids just don’t stay outside anymore.


"You want me to go outside and do what?"

“You want me to go outside and do what?”


The novelty of a snow day lasts for about half a day.

This is the scene in my house when a snowstorm is coming:

6:00 pm: Snow party! Let’s have all the neighbors over for chili, games and drinks!


I'm so delighted about this snow storm!

I’m so delighted about this snow storm!


7:00 pm: Power goes out.

8:00 pm: Who needs power when we have each other? I’ve seen Alive! We can totally do this. Let’s light some leftover candles from our wedding and play a board game while the kids play charades. All you need is love. Glug glug glug.


We got this!

We got this!


I’d get eaten first because my ass has expanded four times it’s normal size due to the junk food I’ve been horkin’ down all night.

10:00 pm: The neighbors are gone and the kids are asleep.


"That escalated quickly."

“Wow. It got cold fast, huh?”


7:00 am: Aw, no coffee? No biggie. Power should be back on soon. Let’s play another fucking board game.

10:00 am: The plow guy has taken out my mailbox and half of my shrubs. Dick.

Noon: All of the fun snacks are gone because when I sent my husband to the store for storm prep, he came back with beer and slim jims. Which taste a lot like how I imagine humans would. I haven’t moved from the couch in the past few hours and I’ve resorted to bribing my children to pass me the last of the wine.

"I don't know about you, bunny but I'm getting a lil' cabin fever."

“I don’t know about you, hunny but I’m getting a lil’ cabin fever.”


1:00 pm: I’ve spread all of the food from the refrigerator and freezer on the kitchen table and am forcing my family to eat all of the perishables before they go bad. Please note: All healthful eating goes out the window during a storm. It’s like a Monsanto all you can eat buffet up in here.


"No, you may not have an apple. Apples are non perishables. Now, eat the Hungry Man that mommy made for you."

“No, you may not have an apple. Apples are non-perishable. Now, eat the Hungry Man that mommy made for you.”

Waste not, want not.

3:00 pm: Go get me wine. Now.

But, the stores are closed due to the never-ending power outage from hell. I’m slightly panicking. And I have begun rationing the baker’s chocolate.


"I will cut a bitch."

I’ll cut a bitch.


7:00 pm: Full blown rage has set in. The asshole neighbor has their generator singing. I think I see his television on through the window when I go outside to put the remaining contents of my freezer (that I am trying to sell on Craigslist) in the snow.


What did you just say to me?

What did you just say to me?


10:00 pm: I’ve resorted to drinking cooking wine and vanilla extract. I am wearing a headlamp and socks on my hands. The kids are crying and I’m wondering what I ever saw in my husband.


"Wow. I hate your face."

“Wow. I hate your face.”


Midnight: I’m waving a knife around, delirious from malnourishment. The kids are popsicles. They’ve been subsisting on snow with maple syrup poured over it for the past several hours.

1:00 am: I’m getting an apartment.

So, before you pray for a snow day, remember that it’s all fun and games until the power goes out. Then, it’s a cold, cannibalistic Monsanto shitshow. Without any liquor.

Happy Snow Days, Bitches. Thankfully, it’s almost summer.

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6 Responses to “Snow Days”

  1. Lindsay Miller January 31, 2014 at 1:12 am #

    Well done! I needed this tonight

  2. Stephanie Hansen January 31, 2014 at 2:33 am #

    Tears streaming down my cheeks, I laughed so hard! One word of advice… wood stove, okay that’s two words.
    – signed Stephanie, Jessica Redden’s friend

  3. Alyson January 31, 2014 at 5:11 am #

    Omg, I’m dying! Thank goodness we live in Texas!! Let this be a lesson to you….STOCK UP ON BOOZE!!!!!!!

  4. Michelle Hill January 31, 2014 at 10:44 pm #

    Love it, and it is so true.

  5. Koren February 1, 2014 at 3:29 am #

    Flippin’ awesome!

  6. Chris Snyder February 1, 2014 at 3:59 am #

    Well done ladies. Loved the parked car incident.

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