Another September is almost in the books, the aftermath of new locker combinations, emergency contact forms and hand-slaps from Sister-Mary-One-Thumb are but misty-gin-colored memories in the bottom of my “morning coffee.” Thank God!
As a favor to the “Sisters,” I’m minding the storefront today. Typically, I’m hiding in the back room performing technical support or acting as overall muse for the BS franchise, but today, the girls are shopping and lunching in the city and they’ve given me a red vest, the keys and are testing my supervisory skills. Not to worry ladies, I won’t let you down. Good luck at court lunch.
Oh…a message. It’s an email from Becky (yes, PTA Becky), and ugh, the subject is “SAVE THE DATE!!!!”
Okay, of the 17 reasons why I shouldn’t open this message, the two you should care about are:
- It’s from Becky, and a note from Becky is just a dare not to day-drink and be a better parent, and
- She put the subject in ALL CAPS and garnished it with “!!!!.” Just a note to anyone fond of all caps followed by the exclamation point…EVERYONE HATES YOU!!!!!.
She’s probably at CrossFit right now, and I’m out of gin. Has anyone fed the dogs? Or seen the kids? Who used the last lime wheel and didn’t cut more? Is this Hell? I’ll just text her.
It’s not that I don’t like her (I don’t), or that she’s a pain in the ass (she is) but one more pic of Mr. Becky on Facebook in a Vinyard Vines fleece pullover and someone’s gonna get cut. The truth is, her hubby spends more time trolling around Craigslist’s M4M Casual Encounters than any “straight” married man ought to. I swear it’s not important how I know this.
The truth is that I know what’s in that email, and I’m just not ready to be shamed into working on the school’s e-newsletter for the Homecoming Dance or coordinating the fucking Sally Foster bullshit for one more year. Plus, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month AND Halloween, so everyone leave me the fuck alone until November 2nd, and that includes you, BECKY!!!!
Okay, and please keep this between us, but I’ve recently been cast auditioned for the lead understudy role as Anna for the upcoming Acapella Frozen Sing-A-Long Holiday Charity Drag Review & All-You-Can-Eat Raw Bar. I’m just one “call-back” away from landing the role of a lifetime, and a kid-free afternoon at the Airport Hilton.
So, priorities dictate that in in the next 45 days I must pour all my focus into the making of two costumes: One “Anna” for the audition, and one “Meryl” for my Halloween costume. Not Silkwood Meryl, but Sophie’s Choice Meryl, which, as you know is more challenging to pull off as authentic and thus, infinitely more difficult to construct (#gaywhitepeopleproblems).
Other To-Do’s in October include:
- Learn how to count cards and Google Map the trip to the Wampanoag Casino (so son can go to college next year).
- Fake plan campus visits to expensive colleges (see #1).
- Have dog’s “cherry eye” sewn shut (I know a guy who can do this in his basement and on the cheap).
- Find a job (I may have just been laid off).
- Sue former employer (they didn’t do anything wrong, but I’ve always wanted to wear a giant white hat and be the mystery witness in a court-room drama à la Joan Collins, Dynasty, Season 2, Episode 1).
- Fall off the wagon.
- Go to Casino with unemployment check.
- Get back on the wagon.
- Come up with one good excuse and three back up excuses for not traveling to any out-of-state family functions over the holidays this year.
- Write angry letter to ABC Family (one day this will make sense).
So, Becky, as you can see, I’m booked solid and won’t be able to join your emergency spaghetti dinner menu-planning meeting next week. As for today, I can’t let the Sisters down, and I must remain laser-focused. Oh crap, they want the new machines setup and a pitcher of Sangria waiting. I should go.