How Normal People Eat Every Day - BITCHIN' SISTERS

How Normal People Eat Every Day

9 Feb

I recently read an article about how the owner of Hollywood’s favorite juice bar eats on the daily. I understood every other jaw-dropping word (did she just say she eats mushroom shit?) and demand some fucking answers.

Moon Juice Lady: “I usually wake up at 6:30am, and start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath set—along with a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes.”

Me: I usually wake up (oversleep) and run around the house in my husband’s sweatpants, screaming for my children to “arise.” While you’re wiping your ass with grape leaves and um, breathing, I inhale a cup of bad decaf coffee, rifle cereal bars at my kids and sometimes have time to put on a bra.

 

Let's go!

Let’s go people!

 

MJL: “At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to the school drop off, drunk in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter, and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido- boosting powers of Brain Dustcordycepsreishimaca, and Shilajit resin. I throw ho shou wu and pearl in as part of my beauty regime. I chase it with three quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy.”

Me: What the actual fuck did you just say? Where do you shop? In a magical forest in a fairy tale mushroom patch? Also, pearls are for wearing, not eating. And most people use booze for libido boosting, but brain dust sounds totally legit. Where I come from, we call it cocaine.

 

Hi, do you have any leprechaun feet?

Hi, do you carry Tibetan monk fungus?

 

MJL: “At 9:30am, I drink 16 ounces of unsweetened, strong green juice, which is my alkalizer, hydrator, energizer, source of protein and calcium, and overall mood balancer. It’s also my easy, ‘lazy,’ and delicious skin regime. I also take three tablespoons of bee pollen. I love Moon Juice’s soft and chewy bee pollen—it’s a creamy, candy-like treat that gives me my daily B-vitamin blast, and also helps feed my skin and aids hormone production. I’ll also grab a handful of activated cashews. I try to get these in every day for their brain chemistry magic. I chase this with a shot of pressed turmeric root in freshly squeezed grapefruit juice.”

Me: Yeah, that sounds pretty fucking “lazy” to me. You know what’s also “a creamy and candy-like treat?” Donuts. And what exactly is an activated cashew? That sounds dangerous. Around 10:00 am, I scarf a stale croissant from the break room and chase it with a magical little elixir called tap water that isn’t made from frankincense and myrrh.
Really

Unfortunately, the Three Wisemen don’t deliver in the real world.

 

MJL: “For lunch, I had zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon, with green tea on the side. This is such an easy, elegant, and light meal. I made this while on a phone meeting before heading out for the rest of the work day. I often alternate this with my other lunch staple: a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts. This is my version of a taco, and it’s insanely delicious. These ingredients are all pantry staples, so I eat some version of this everyday. It’s probiotic-rich with the cultured veggies, and deeply mineralizing thanks to the sea vegetables, and the avocado nourishes the brain and hormones. It’s awesomely satiating and takes 45 seconds to compile. I usually make this while standing, working with someone, simultaneously emailing and definitely texting. I know the right answer would be to sit down and take 10 minutes to eat, but that doesn’t happen for lunch, ever.”

Me: You can fuck right off. I typically have a sorry excuse for a salad (iceberg lettuce with slimy chicken on top) that some asshole charges me ten dollars for. Also, your version of a taco blows. Tacos are goddamn magical and you should apologize for offending them. You know what’s awesomely satiating? Real food. The kind that you eat.

 

Looks filling.

This is a picture of NOT A TACO.

 

MJL: “My son and I make a batch of almond milk and vanilla chia pudding for the next morning at bedtime. We like to have cups of it before it’s totally done, when it’s more like chia milk.”

Me: Seriously, do you have explosive diarrhea all damn day? I imagine liquid metal followed by seven thousand unpronouncable items do a number on one’s bowels.

MJL: “If I’m home around 3pm, I always reach for coconut yogurt with cardamom, dried figs, walnuts, and apricots from a weekend farm visit—and a chunk of raw dark chocolate. I ferment big batches of coconut yogurt and make big batches of raw chocolate spiked with maca and any other medicinal herb I’m focusing on. It’s easy to do, and makes for potent, fast snack food throughout the month.”

Me: If I’m home around 3:00 pm, it means that I got fired (again) and I reach for alcohol. But, I’m usually getting my ass handed to me by my boss, so I go sad eat a Kit Kat at my desk LIKE THE REST OF THE DAMN WORLD.

 

Don't tell anyone, but sometimes, I eat a wooden spoon and gulp down some tears of a Moroccan gypsy if I'm feeling extra feisty.

Don’t tell anyone, but sometimes, I eat a wooden spoon and gulp down some tears of a Moroccan gypsy if I’m feeling extra feisty.

 

MJL: “At 11pm, I had a nightcap of heart tonic and raw chocolate made from one of my big batches—this one was made with our Moon Pantry heirloom raw cacao, reishi and Chaga mushroom, sprouted brown rice protein, and coconut oil. I love chocolate—and on some evenings, I don’t want to deny the indulgence—so I’ve devised a million low glycemic recipes.”

Me: WOAH! Now, it’s a party! Heart tonic and fake chocolate? Pace yourself, girl. This is a marathon, not a sprint! I’m usually neck deep in a full-bodied pinot and Trader Joe’s cheese balls. After all, The Bachelor waits for no one.

I suggest you spend less time in your moon pantry and more time on earth. They serve pizza here.

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5 Responses to “How Normal People Eat Every Day”

  1. Yourmama February 9, 2016 at 5:54 pm #

    Hysterical. Witty and philosophical.

  2. Stylebyhaiku February 9, 2016 at 11:31 pm #

    You need to write more often!!!!

  3. Tina February 9, 2016 at 11:48 pm #

    I’ll rather spend a day with you than with her. Yuck.
    Let’s meet to go out and eat tacos.
    And then drown them in ice cream and starbucks.

  4. Andrea February 10, 2016 at 3:05 am #

    I literally spit wine out my nose laughing so hard from reading this! Hilarious!!

  5. Dani February 10, 2016 at 7:15 pm #

    Oh my effing God. This is the funniest shit I’ve read all day. I’m dying over here. And your website name wins the whole of the entire blogosphere!!!!!!!!

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