Go home, COVID-19. We're drunk. - BITCHIN' SISTERS

Go home, COVID-19. We’re drunk.

22 Mar

What (from the bottom of my heart) the actual fuck is happening?

At the beginning of the year, I heard about this weird virus in China and saw pictures of people going about their day wearing masks and I, oblivious, was just all China’s bein’ weird y’all, but back to me, what’s my New Year’s Resolution? (none) and should I get a Peloton? (Nah. Stay fat, homegirl).

 

COVID, the early years.

COVID, the early years.

 

Flash forward to the muthafuckin’ end of the world toilet paper supply of 2020.

 

You guys know this isn't dysentery, right?

You guys know this isn’t dysentery, right? Unless you plan on shitting your pants for the next year straight, share your loot.

 

QUARANTINEMAGGEDON:

Day 1 – We can do this! Forced togetherness. We’ll play dusty board games, do puzzles with half of the pieces missing, bake borderline poisonous shit and just love on one another so hard. I’ll handle my single motherhood and 12 hour work days. No hassle in the castle!

 

Johnny, please stop fucking cheating so you're sister stops crying.

Johnny, please stop fucking cheating so your sister stops crying. Also, tell your fake father that I hate him anyway and to go clean the garage.

 

Day 2 – Okay, the house is getting a little messy! Please help mama keep things in order so we can maintain some structure and normalcy. I have an idea, let’s make a chart with rules and chores.

 

shortage

Stop snacking out! We need to ration these organic granola bars like it’s the MF World Way II silk stocking shortage.

 

Day 3 – Oh good, ANOTHER social media post suggesting ways to homeschool the goddamn children. I’ll get right on that after I send my boss that “deliverable” that was due two days ago. Sure, we’re just a scosche away from Mad Max Beyond Fucking Thunderdome, Jerry, but by all means I’ll fire up that PowerPoint deck just in case.

 

Thanks for the guilt trip, Becky who I haven't seen since 1996.

Thanks for the guilt trip, Becky who I haven’t seen since 1996. Hope your kids’ stupid science experiment fails miserably.

 

Day 4 – Why is there a fucking fishing rod in my kitchen? Heads will roll.

 

Fo' real tho.

Fo’ real tho.

 

Day 5 – What day is it? Friday? Yay! Wait. That means nothing. Everything is closed. I just offered my own mother money to come over and make me a sandwich. At least it’s sunny out.?

 

Mommy's fine. We're fine. Everything is fine.

Mommy’s fine. We’re fine. Everything is fine.

 

Day 6 – It’s fucking snowing. I look like a homeless hooker. Baby Jesus officially hates us.

 

 

Day 7 – The End is Nigh. But here are some hot Spanish soldiers for your virtual consumption.

 

Aye caraumba!

Aye caramba!

 

Stay safe out there, bitches. We got this. <3 Thank you to all of those on the front lines. You are our heroes.

 

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