In the past year or so, there’s been an influx of Facebook Yard Sale pages. A place to peddle your wares, buy a thirty-year old rusty car or maybe even meet a life partner.
What the actual fuck?
People will seriously sell anything on these pages. Creepy dolls, braids from ex lovers’ heads, used toilet seats, 100 wire hangers collected from the dry cleaners, leather sheets…
I joined my local page in hopes of finding Pottery Barn couches, Lululemon and awesome kids’ stuff (read Michael Kors). But you can’t find that stuff because all of the good posts are buried under Barbara Duffy’s eleven ugly tchotchkes, like ceramic clown statues.
Um, why today, Babs? This creepy fucking clown statue has been sitting in your attic for like a decade. What’s the rush? The clown police coming? How about I give you $27.00 to take this post down? You’re scaring my kids.
I feel like these pages should be a venue to sell valid items. You know, like furniture without bodily fluids, baby garb, high end clothes that are NWT (that’s New With Tags for you layperson). Not a shitty dresser that you slapped some paint on and superglued a starfish to.
Distressed nautical dresser. $75. Cross posted. Will meet.
Of course you’ll meet. I’d meet a perfect stranger too if someone was going to give me 75 bones for a spray painted chest of drawers that I wrestled out of Nana’s crawl space.
Or a teapot that you “salvaged” and shoved some daisies into.
Then there’s this:
*New Price* Stereo System $50
Slightly used coat $4.00
Neutral Colored Lamp. 7 foot cord. $10
QUICK SALE! Lazy Boy Reclining Chair. No rips or tears. Asking $35.00. Pick up. Serious buyers only.
Then there’s the people who have just given up. I get it. Sometimes I just want to start over too. But no one wants to pay you to come clean out your playroom. No one.
Everything must go! $150 for everything!
The people who post one excruciating item of clothing after another. Dirty onesies…mom jeans and plain white t-shirts.
Selling a tub of clothes. BO. Meet me behind the mall. License plate: crgslstkllr
Slightly used training potty. $10
Then there’s the FBYSF. That’s Facebook Yard Sale Fights. People get pissed. These folks take the virtual yard sale very seriously. It’s like Fight Club, only with a shit ton of acronyms.
I recently posted a washer and dryer for sale and suffered endlessly for it. I was almost immediately lambasted for my lack of clarity and apparent disregard for FBYS etiquette.
Asshole #1: SIZE?!?!?!
Me: Um, why are you yelling at me?
Asshole #2: What’s the horsepower?!
Me: The fuck?
Asshole #3: Does this work?!
Me: No, I always sell broken shit on the internet.
Asshole #4: Interested…
Me: Not a dating website. If you’re interested in buying the washer and dryer, PM me.
I then received no fewer than four personal messages from Yard Sale trolls. These are people that obsessively go after sales, but don’t really want them. It’s all for the rush.
I feel for the page administrators and the normal people that are just trying to make a sale. They have to deal with the crazy people. And dumb people. And the crazy dumb people, who we all agree are the worst kind of people.
“Becky Miller didn’t show up to buy my used garden hose and hideous wreath collection as she promised. Can you please have her permanently banned from the page?!”
News Flash: Beck Miller found out that you are a crazy person with too much time on your hands.
So a word of caution…tread lightly. Decide if it’s really worth the 30 bucks or if you should just drop your shit at Savers and make a run for it.
Buyer beware. Happy shopping, bitches.