Facebook Yard Sales Though - BITCHIN' SISTERS

Facebook Yard Sales Though

22 Jan

In the past year or so, there’s been an influx of Facebook Yard Sale pages. A place to peddle your wares, buy a thirty-year old rusty car or maybe even meet a life partner.

 

30 bucks. Cross posted.

30 bucks. Cross posted.

 

What the actual fuck?

People will seriously sell anything on these pages. Creepy dolls, braids from ex lovers’ heads, used toilet seats, 100 wire hangers collected from the dry cleaners, leather sheets…

I joined my local page in hopes of finding Pottery Barn couches, Lululemon and awesome kids’ stuff (read Michael Kors). But you can’t find that stuff because all of the good posts are buried under Barbara Duffy’s eleven ugly tchotchkes, like ceramic clown statues.

 

What's the rush?

$27.00. Must pick-up today.

 

Um, why today, Babs? This creepy fucking clown statue has been sitting in your attic for like a decade. What’s the rush? The clown police coming? How about I give you $27.00 to take this post down? You’re scaring my kids.

I feel like these pages should be a venue to sell valid items. You know, like furniture without bodily fluids, baby garb, high end clothes that are NWT (that’s New With Tags for you layperson). Not a shitty dresser that you slapped some paint on and superglued a starfish to.

Distressed nautical dresser. $75. Cross posted. Will meet.

 

Pump the brakes

Pump the brakes, Ethan Allen. That’s not distressed.

 

Of course you’ll meet. I’d meet a perfect stranger too if someone was going to give me 75 bones for a spray painted chest of drawers that I wrestled out of Nana’s crawl space.

Or a teapot that you “salvaged” and shoved some daisies into.

Then there’s this:

*New Price* Stereo System $50

 

Now that's just insulting.

Now that’s just insulting.

 

Slightly used coat $4.00

 

Slightly used?

Slightly used, my ass? Maybe in 1997.

 

Neutral Colored Lamp. 7 foot cord. $10

 

Thank God there's a seven foot cord. I always walk around the room holding a lamp.

Thank God there’s a seven foot cord. I always walk around the room holding an ugly lamp.

 

QUICK SALE! Lazy Boy Reclining Chair. No rips or tears. Asking $35.00. Pick up. Serious buyers only.

 

No rips or tears, just a murderous blood stain. I'll take it.

No rips or tears, just a murderous blood stain. I’ll take it. Oh, I’m wickedfuckin serious.

 

Then there’s the people who have just given up. I get it. Sometimes I just want to start over too. But no one wants to pay you to come clean out your playroom. No one.

Everything must go! $150 for everything!

 

Sold. I've been looking

Sold. I’ve been looking for used, filthy toys everywhere.

 

The people who post one excruciating item of clothing after another. Dirty onesies…mom jeans and plain white t-shirts.

Selling a tub of clothes. BO. Meet me behind the mall. License plate: crgslstkllr

 

Sold.

Sold.

 

Slightly used training potty. $10

 

This awesome baby is here to tell you that

This awesome baby is here to tell you that a slightly used potty is a USED TOILET.

 

Then there’s the FBYSF. That’s Facebook Yard Sale Fights. People get pissed. These folks take the virtual yard sale very seriously. It’s like Fight Club, only with a shit ton of acronyms.

I recently posted a washer and dryer for sale and suffered endlessly for it. I was almost immediately lambasted for my lack of clarity and apparent disregard for FBYS etiquette.

 

Good condition. $500 for pair. PM me for details.

Good condition. $500 for pair. PM me for details.

Comments:

Asshole #1: SIZE?!?!?!

Me: Um, why are you yelling at me?

Asshole #2: What’s the horsepower?!

Me: The fuck?

Asshole #3: Does this work?!

Me: No, I always sell broken shit on the internet.

Asshole #4: Interested…

Me: Not a dating website. If you’re interested in buying the washer and dryer, PM me.

I then received no fewer than four personal messages from Yard Sale trolls. These are people that obsessively go after sales, but don’t really want them. It’s all for the rush.

I feel for the page administrators and the normal people that are just trying to make a sale. They have to deal with the crazy people. And dumb people. And the crazy dumb people, who we all agree are the worst kind of people.

 

garage sale

 

“Becky Miller didn’t show up to buy my used garden hose and hideous wreath collection as she promised. Can you please have her permanently banned from the page?!”

 

imagesCAA2QS2O

 

News Flash: Beck Miller found out that you are a crazy person with too much time on your hands.

So a word of caution…tread lightly. Decide if it’s really worth the 30 bucks or if you should just drop your shit at Savers and make a run for it.

Buyer beware. Happy shopping, bitches.

 

 

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8 Responses to “Facebook Yard Sales Though”

  1. Amy January 24, 2015 at 4:42 pm #

    Just took a look at my town’s FB tag sale page. Someone is selling a floral comforter set. The same one I had on on my bed. In high school. In 1982. Oy.

    • Maria January 25, 2015 at 4:34 am #

      So how much did she give you to take it?

  2. Erin February 13, 2015 at 1:16 pm #

    You are too fabulous for words. I ALWAYS agree with everything you write, but I could NEVER articulate it the bitchy, quick-witted and fabulous fucking way you do. I bow to you!

  3. Stacy February 18, 2015 at 3:34 pm #

    I love this! I laughed my ass off. We are currently moving and I have been posting stuff on said FB pages. My stuff is well taken care of and in mostly great condition, but I recently sold a long gate for $10 and even delivered it to the person who bought it only to be inundated with messages and pictures of every little thing wrong with it. Really? I just saved you a hundred dollars and the trouble of picking it up. Go buy it new if you want it perfect condition. Sheesh

  4. Amber February 18, 2015 at 5:56 pm #

    Haha this is awesome.

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  6. Sarah August 19, 2015 at 8:36 pm #

    I took down our fb yard sale site after someone posted an open bag of cat food, for $2 off the regular price. Had to meet during a specific time frame. I was so tempted to put a package of toilet paper on it to see if I could sell it. Not soft enough. We only use two ply.

  7. Christine January 17, 2017 at 4:26 am #

    I just laughed so hard I’m crying. All so true!! Thanks for making my night!!

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