Disney Survival Guide - BITCHIN' SISTERS

Disney Survival Guide

6 Jan

The happiest place on earth is a goddamn lie.

There I said it.

Recently 700 of my closest relatives and I went to Disney World and it was magical exhausting and expensive. Here’s a few words of advice:

1.) You need to arise at Zero Dark Thirty to make it to the park before the entire state of Oklahoma does. Sleep in your clothes. Under no circumstances can you eat breakfast. There is no time. Otherwise, you can kiss the fucking Slinky Dog Sling goodbye, along with your sanity because, well…YOUR CHILDREN’S LIVES ARE NOW RUINED.

Warning: they don’t provide booze in the lines. Or food. (I wrestled a bag of veggie sticks out of my eight-year old’s hands so his sister didn’t pass out.) Or seats. Or air. You will be forced to speak to one another. See #3.

 

Let's be clear. I wouldn't wait 300 minutes for 5 minutes with the Hemsworth brothers.

Let’s be clear. I wouldn’t wait 300 minutes for 5 minutes with the Hemsworth brothers.

 

2.) Bring all of the money. All of it. 401k? Cash it. Savings? That’s hilarious. There is no saving in Walt Disney’s World.  And no, that Elsa sweatshirt doesn’t come with a lap dance. It really just costs $75.00. Trust me. I asked.

 

#broke

Oh you want a twenty-seven dollar bucket of popcorn? I’d settle for some shade and a fucking mai tai. Also, I hope you weren’t planning on going to college.

 

3.) It’s hot AF. Like Fahrenheit 451 hot. It’s nary 11:00 am and I’ve already logged 13,000 blistering steps. I have heat rash and whiplash from riding Expedition Everest until my nephew vomited. Also, we could be in Ibiza. For like half the price. But fuck yeah, let’s wait in line for 270 minutes to fly like an Avatar. What’s an Avatar you ask? Exactly. The movie came out ten years before you were born. I guess the Imagineers ran out of Star Wars ideas?

Footnote: Plan to get in at least three relationship destroying fights with your significant other while waiting in line for Pandora. Which is Avatar for divorce. See #6 for further details.

 

hi! I'm here to take your soul and ruin your marriage.

Hi! I’m here to take your soul and ruin your marriage.

 

4.) Disney World is like the Hunger Games except everyone is on electric scooters and no one is hungry. At Epcot, I witnessed a grown ass, able bodied man almost run over a toddler with his scooter. He had zero remorse. Why? BECAUSE HE HAD TO GET TO THE SODA STAND.

Newsflash asshole, It’s 2019. No one drinks 82 fluid ounces of Coca-Cola in a single day unless they are actively trying to die.

 

Move bitches! I gotta get my big gulp!

Move out the way, bitches! This is a muthfuckin soda emergency!

 

5.) These moms with triple strollers ARE GODDAMN SOLDIERS. Seriously. When shit goes down, I want to be in the trenches with these bitches. Not only did they crank out three kids Irish famine style, they brought them to the most expensive place on earth. On purpose.

 

I think it's fair to say that Walt had mommy issues.

Speaking of moms, I think it’s fair to say that Walt had mommy issues. Seriously, homeboy. Were you locked in a turret as a child?

 

6.) At 3:00 pm every single day, just after the parents get into a screaming match, all the children throw a flash mob tantrum. I’m talking full-on Children of the Corn. Could be the heat. Could be that you have run out of money and need to sell one of their kidneys to pay for that Mickey Mouse ice cream. But the kids have had it. And they won’t rest until they’ve broken you.

 

It's 3:00 my children. Let's do this.

It’s 3:00 children. Let’s do this.

 

7.) People. They’re everywhere. I accidentally kicked a baby walking down Main Street, U.S.A. You will too. Everyone loses their goddamn minds and manners. Stay the course. You’re here Seven Dwarves Mine ride. And then get the fuck out of this Dry Kingdom. You got this.

 

I'm having a panic attack.

No I can’t take your family photo. I’m having a full blown panic attack.

 

9.) You will be a Sherpa. You will hold all the things for all the people.

 

I just wish I had more shit to carry.

I just wish I had more shit to carry.

 

10.) Enjoy! You may go home broke, tired and sore, but let’s be honest…you’ll be back!

 

That, my friend, is where I keep all the people's money.

That, my friend, is where I keep all the people’s money.

 

We’re back, bitches. Follow us and stuff.

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3 Responses to “Disney Survival Guide”

  1. Kristine January 6, 2019 at 11:03 pm #

    Nailed it! Love you guys! So glad you’re back!!

  2. Eriona Feka January 8, 2019 at 2:03 am #

    1. This was freaking hilarious!
    2. Never been there!
    3. The facts you listed are all reasons why even though I have 3 kids I never want to step foot on Disneyland!!!

    • Eriona Feka January 8, 2019 at 2:04 am #

      Or Disney World…

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