Christmas Pinterest Bitches - BITCHIN' SISTERS

Christmas Pinterest Bitches

20 Dec

It’s the most wonderful stressful time of year and they’re at it again. They’ve been tinkering in their crafty craft rooms since that back-to-school bullshit and the bitches are back. And they’ve been busy.

They’re all…

 

And then they were all...

 

And I’m all…It’s five days until Christmas and I’m still decorating the tree and trying to figure out what to do with the rotting pumpkins on my front porch. And our family’s elf on the shelf is a lazy asshole and moves like twice a week.

Meanwhile, back in their scrapbooking ivory tower, the Glue Gun Gang was up to some serious Christmassy magic.

 

I'd be on glass #3 by step 2.

Can you even eat these? I’d be on glass of wine #3 by step 2.

 

I have so much free time on my hands this time of year to make these tiny little Christmas trees that serve absolutely no purpose. With my full-time job, two children and seven million other things that I need to get done before baby Jesus’s birthday, this shit is a priority. Come on over and become wildly frustrated with me as we fuck up these crafts together.

 

Um, okay...

Um, okay. Or just buy blue ornaments.

 

It’s not Christmas until you’re hammering a bunch of sticks on your wall and putting a shit load of tchotchkes on them.

 

What am I supposed to do with this for the other eleven months?

What am I supposed to do with this for the other eleven months of the year? A Lenten Ladder? A Fourth of July Random Tower of Branches?

 

Hey, I have an idea. Let’s make some nail art for the company holiday party.

 

I actually hate this person.

So when you get hammered and grab your boss’s ass, at least you’ll look like a tacky hooker.

 

This is what I always envision my home looking like for the holidays.

 

Right. That'll happen.

That’ll happen.

 

This is an actual photo of my attempt.

 

Nailed it. I ran out of ribbon less than halfway up.

Nailed it. I ran out of ribbon less than halfway up. Even my four-year old son shook his head in disgust.

 

This person clearly doesn’t have any other living creatures in their home. Screw that. This person clearly doesn’t even live in their home.

 

I hate this person.

Totally realistic.

 

You can really do anything with a wine glass, some ornaments and several hundred candles. Like set your house on fire.

 

Um, what the hell am I supposed to drink out of?

Um, what the hell am I supposed to drink out of?

 

By the way, four of the eight candle lights in my windows have blown out already. You think I’ve changed the bulbs? Nope. Vanderpump Rules isn’t going to watch itself.

Please don’t even think of sending me one of these unless it’s dipped in chocolate, vodka or valium.

 

The problem is that when you eat one piece of fruit, it instantly becomes a Christmas fruit shitshow.

The problem is that when you eat one piece of fruit, it instantly becomes a fruit shitshow.

 

You think you’re somewhat prepared for the holidays. Then shit like this happens. You know those people that just refuse to buy the frosty the fucking snowman wrapping paper from Target like the rest of us. Oh no. They’re going to buy the twelve dollar rolls and decoupage their wrapped presents in pine cones, ribbons and cinnamon sticks.

 

Aburrida de envolver tus regalos siempre igual? Prueba el black and white y un lazo de color.. That's spanish for "Are you fucking serious, Clark?"

Nothing says Santa loves you like seven thousand pieces of confetti falling onto your carpet as you open that bathrobe from the Gap.

 

Sure, I’ll just slap this up in my ski lodge. I got nothing but time.

 

Hunny, we're gonna need more antlers.

Hunny, we’re gonna need more antlers.

 

Kids, don’t play with your toys. Play with the stuff that I need to use to wrap all of the presents.

 

I don't get it.

I don’t get it. My kids would look me dead in the eye, dump these on the floor and continue to play minecraft on the iPad.

 

And then there are those people that have all of their shopping done by October 1st and brag about it on Facebook. Leaving the rest of us feeling like we are worthless, hopeless and GLUG GLUG GLUG.

 

Keep Calm and BRING ME A FUCKING ZANAX.

How about Keep Calm and BRING ME A FUCKING XANAX?

 

Wishing you all a stress free holiday. Bwahahaha.

~The Bitchin’ Sisters

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10 Responses to “Christmas Pinterest Bitches”

  1. heather December 20, 2013 at 10:16 pm #

    totally needed this. you guys are fucking hilarious. and real.

  2. Katie- thenakedmomma.com December 21, 2013 at 12:54 am #

    I love this. You are amazing. My favorite caption might have to be the fruit. Thank you and happy freakin holidays. Hope yours are filled with vats of wine…

  3. Sofia December 21, 2013 at 12:54 pm #

    I almost peed myself laughing so hard. As someone who spends the holiday season making holiday cookies for others, I have no energy to do anything in my own home. If it does it requires lots of wine. . . Or Kahlua. Cheers to you!

  4. Heidi December 21, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

    Always enjoy a laugh with you! I’m presently planning a Happy New Year card mailing for some time in Feb ’cause I failed to get Xmas ones out on time. Glug.

  5. amye December 23, 2013 at 4:11 am #

    I loved this post!!!!!

  6. Sarah December 24, 2013 at 1:29 am #

    Those Pledge blue balls? Just FYI, they never dry. My kids made them in Sunday School. We broke one 2 years later. Instead of just some fun shards of glass to pick up under all your presents, you also have goopy, gluey glitter to get all over everything. I guess it at least decorates some of the presents. I decided people are lucky I wrapped and correctly got names on everything. No ribbons or decorations. I shudder at the memory of my smug 25 year old childless self spending weeks on my wrapping.

  7. Ellen December 25, 2013 at 4:04 pm #

    we could be best friends! Enjoy your day

  8. Mishka December 30, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

    You make me feel so good!! While I do some decorating around here…I can’t get on the Pinterest bandwagon for the holidays…who has time for that!?!?!

    I was lucky to get my handcut snowflakes (just like the ones we did in school) done. That only happens because it is probably my most favorite part of Xmas decorating…LOL. And those babies are staying up until the robins get fat…

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