Back-to-School: Week 1 vs. Week 2 - BITCHIN' SISTERS

Back-to-School: Week 1 vs. Week 2

17 Sep

September 1st. Somewhere in the world:

This year is going to be different. I’m going to have my shit together. I’m going to be the best mother ever. Becky from the PTA will worship me. Other mothers will fall at my feet begging, “what’s your secret?!”

1.) I’m going to make organic, non GMO, fresh, wholesome lunches made of laughter and angel eyebrows every night. None of this buying school lunch bullshit. We’ll leave that to the kids whose parents don’t really love them.

 

"Now where did I put those  pipe cleaners..."

“This shouldn’t take too long. Now where did I put those pipe cleaners…”

 

2.) I’ll wake-up super early to write notes every day to my kids, memorializing their awesomeness and the fact that neither one of them have been kicked off the bus yet. (Hooray!) I’ll tuck the notes in their backpacks. They’ll love it. It’ll be our little game. Some daily affirmation to let them know how much I care. Hell, I may even start scrapbooking!

 

Aw! How inspirational! Why didn't I think of this?

“Except for Mommy. Mommy never gets frustrated.”

 

3.) I’m not going to allow any lost library books this year. Nope. I’m going to hunt down the library book eating troll that haunts our home. And that zany sock eating dragon that lurks in the dryer. I’m going to be the essence of organization.

 

xsxs

“I have plenty of time to fold my bras! Just the spliffiest of spliffs.”

 

4.) Their outfits? Set out the night before. Labeled by the days of the week. Strictly Crew Cuts and that overpriced Scandinavian company for my cherubs. Speaking of organizing, I’m going to organize the fuck out of the closets. This year, I will know where everything is at all times.

 

Just a little weekend project.

Just a little weekend project.

 

5.) I’m not going to roll up to the bus stop looking like Marilyn Manson’s mugshot. No siree! I’ll wear those little Lululemon skirts that Peggy Perfect Ass from next door wears and straighten my hair.

 

"Hold on a second, Lucy. Mommy's stretching."

“Hold on a second, Lucy. Mommy’s stretching on this monument.”

 

6.) I’m going to get all 500 pieces of paperwork completed the very first night of school. I will trust that there is a valid reason that I need to complete 72 emergency contact forms. I mean, safety first. Amiright?

Also, I’m going to maintain my files like a boss.

 

Piece of cake. Who needs email when there are trees just begging to be killed?

“Piece of cake. Who needs email when there are trees out there just begging to be killed?”

 

7.) I plan to volunteer more this year. Maybe I’ll chair the Box Top Committee. Or read to the blind. Run a craft fair perhaps. There’s always the ice cream social. I like ice cream. The world is my oyster!

 

Look out, bitches. Here comes Super Mom.

“Look out, bitches. Here comes Super Mom.”

 

8.) I’m going to start cooking for the whole week on Sundays. I’ll put classical music on and there’ll be fresh ingredients flying around my perfectly clean kitchen. Maybe I’ll make some detox water. I need to drink less wine and more lemon, mint, chlorophyll and vegetable water.

 

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

“Cleanliness is next to godliness.”

 

9.) I’m going to sign my son up for music lessons. According to Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, children should be immersed in music during their formative years.

 

"If music be the food of love, play on..." Billy Shakespeare

“If music be the food of love, play on…” Billy Shakespeare

 

Yup. It’s going to be a good year. I can feel it.

 

"I got this."

“I am woman, hear me roar.”

 

September 8th. Your household. 7:37 am:

1.) Where the fuck is the bread? And who ate all the snacks? How is it possible to go through an entire box of Annie’s fruit snacks in two days? P.S. Thanks and fuck you, Annie’s Homegrown. #sellout

 

"Oh

“Here’s some Grade D meat and tater tots. You’re welcome.”

 

B.) Writing notes every day?! I can’t remember to do anything everyday. Like not even wear a bra. Where’s the paper? Where are the all of the pens? Probably with the bread. How about this:

 

My dearest child, You know what would be awesome? If you stop telling your teacher how much wine I drink. Love,  Mommy

Dear daughter,
You know what would be awesome? If you stop telling your teacher how much wine I drink.
Love,
Mommy

 

14.) Where in God’s name is that library book? And all of the matching socks? I bought eight pairs of the same exact color to avoid this.

 

"For the love of God, just wear a pair of your father's! We're going to miss the bus!"

“For the love of God, just wear a pair of your father’s! You’re going to miss the bus!”

 

C.) The kids have gone through the five new back-to-school outfits that I bought so they’ve resorted to wearing last year’s pants. I started organizing the closets but then pulled apart the junk drawer, pantry and lazy Susan. Obviously, I became overwhelmed so I poured a glass of wine.

 

For the love. Just pull something out of the dryer.

“Just pull something out of the dryer. The bus is here!”

 

E.) Me. In the morning:

 

"The beautiful people, the beautiful people..."

“The beautiful people, the beautiful people…”

 

11.) Why are there helicopters circling the house? Oh no. I didn’t finish all of the paperwork. What if there’s an accident and they can’t find the other 71 emergency contact forms?

 

hiding

 

4.) Why the hell are there seven thousand school events in one week? Pajama Day, Bring your Special Shit to School Day, Picture Day, Red White and Blue Day?! Whatever happened to show and tell? My mom would rifle a Barbie in my bag and called it a Tuesday.

 

"What the actual fuck?"

“What the actual fuck?”

 

9.) My son is taking saxophone lessons. It weighs sixty pounds, he can barely carry it and like all of a sudden, I’m Kenny G and I’ve got to learn how to put reeds in the damn thing, only to listen to him slaughter Mary’s Little Lambs.

 

"Sweet baby Jesus. Make it stop."

“Sweet baby Jesus. Make it stop.”

 

Don’t be so hard on yourselves, ladies. It’s early days. We got this. Screw the pipe cleaners and have an Alka-Seltzer.

 

Don't

“Bite me, mythical robot mom.”

ShareEmail this to someoneShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on Google+

30 Responses to “Back-to-School: Week 1 vs. Week 2”

  1. SB September 18, 2014 at 3:11 am #

    I could have written this…except I’m not as funny….Perfection and right on the money, for our little casa anyway!

  2. susan saraf September 18, 2014 at 4:27 am #

    Best spot on wrap up, the contrast,it’s exactly what happened to me. except my started August 25th? In a new school district. and this was my third week and today I forgot picture day. i was crying laughing. Bow Down To You Bitches!! Love at first read. xoxxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxooxxooxxooxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

  3. jengd September 18, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

    Fabulous!! And here I sit surfing the web thinking I really should get a load of laundry going before I have to run over for my volunteer shift at the school library… nah. I’m sure I can squeeze in a game of Candy Crush.

  4. Kim P September 18, 2014 at 5:16 pm #

    Screw the pipe cleaners and the Alka-Seltzer! Have some wine.
    Love it!! Thank you for peeking into my little brain and waking me the hell up!

  5. Jacque September 18, 2014 at 6:03 pm #

    This us the best thing I’ve read recently. I was laughing in my car at pick up line of course, I wouldn’t be reading this while driving. I was literally cryiny I was laughing so hard! Im pretty sure that I got looks from people not knowing if I was sad or having a seizure. What is it with the kids telling everyone how much wine we drink daily.? You ladies are Hilarious and couldn’t be more real!

  6. Jess broderick September 18, 2014 at 7:55 pm #

    Omg. Do you have hidden cameras in my house? This is awesome and me – every single year.

  7. Jodi September 18, 2014 at 8:14 pm #

    Love it! Except I’ve had kids long enough not to sweat it anymore! I used to try to do everything perfectly; now I’mjust happy if we all make it where we’re supposed to be roughly on time, dressed in clean clothes, and happy. :)

  8. jane September 18, 2014 at 8:16 pm #

    Hardest I’ve laughed in weeks!

  9. Jeanne September 18, 2014 at 8:50 pm #

    OMG it’s like you have cameras in my home. I too decided that buying lunch is no good, we are going to eat “clean”. I bought each kid a bento box with all cute compartments for all of their fruits and veggies… I even bought a dozen canteen bottles because it’s wasteful to send them with a new bottle of Poland Spring. Needless to say they are coming home with all of their cute containers still filled with their healthy snacks (they prefer buying Davids Cookies in the cafeteria) and the canteens, no one can remember where they left them. Never mind the sink is piled high with their cute little containers and thats if they remember to take it out of their back packs the night before. I’m usually left scrambling in the morning washing and drying them before the bus comes. As for the notes, I have that one covered… I started by googling some cute little Mother Child quotes the night before, heck with that, I found lunch box love, packs of cute little cards with a saying on the front and as a bonus there is a fun fact on the back. I’m just so happy to read that I am not the only one aboard the sinking ship!

    Hey, we tried!

  10. Lori September 18, 2014 at 9:12 pm #

    LOL Wetting my pants..
    Just wait til Middle School, ladies…gets worse, but sadly funnier!!

  11. Mackenzie September 18, 2014 at 11:00 pm #

    PREACH! :)

  12. Alisa September 19, 2014 at 12:08 am #

    OMG, now I don’t feel so bad. I beat myself up everyday/morning trying to convince myself tomorrow morning will be quieter, my son will eat his breakfast and we will find my his sneakers and jacket where he said he left them the night before.

  13. Kate September 21, 2014 at 2:56 am #

    LOVE this! So funny and perfect…I especially love the #sellout comment. Amen!

  14. EJ September 21, 2014 at 12:40 pm #

    My children are in college but I laughed until I cried. The forms! They were a nightmare. I had twins and one year I think my daughter lost them twice at school…

  15. ilene marschner September 22, 2014 at 10:14 pm #

    Oh God, I had forgotten about the forms. I had 4 children, and one year the school system decided to have P/T conf on the same nite. We made it to the HS, Junior High, and Grade school….running.
    My wonderful neighbor, made healthy lunches for her 2 girls in grade school. When they walked, past my house, they tossed the bags into the shrubs next door….so much for eating healthy.
    When the last of my urchins went into kindergarten, the office clerk decided that he wasn’t up to snuff on his shots, and that he couldn’t start K without smallpox vac. Spent the better part of a month trying to get past her, as smallpox is not required.

  16. Karen Stella September 23, 2014 at 2:31 am #

    Just finished a 17 year stint. Sent shivers up my spine rememembering how it should be and how it really was! Hysterical, I tried volunteering for everything but the school pronounced me to be an enabler. So much for that crap.. Don’t tie their shoes, don’t zip up their jackets, no let them trip and freeze. Yup, fuck it!

  17. judi mitchell September 23, 2014 at 2:28 pm #

    I literally gave my son a signed blank check this morning to pay for his library book because it is nowhere to be found – 3rd week of school! His librarian is a nun and will flip out when she finds out we can’t find it ~ I laughed so hard at this, it is truly my life.

  18. Marjorie Nicholson September 24, 2014 at 1:37 pm #

    I must have been deranged…..I thought everyone folded their bras, organized their drawers, closets and refrigerators and went to work 8 to 10 hours a day…..no wonder i finally had a breakdown!!!!

  19. Judi Gray September 24, 2014 at 8:32 pm #

    That is the funniest thing I have read since Erma Bombeck. My school parenting days are long gone, I’m a grandmother now, but it is all still fresh in my mind. And may I say ladies, it resurfaces again when you are retired and plan to spend all your free time being Mother Theresa with countless hours of selfless volunteerism.Still the wine thing gets in the way and feeding the homeless starts so early in the morning. At 72, let me be a cautionary tale, thwarted good intentions have no age limits.

    • megan h September 25, 2014 at 2:28 pm #

      Judi Gray you are hilarious! good for you. i plan on being the same way as I grow up :)

    • wendy September 25, 2014 at 3:26 pm #

      Oh. My. God!!!!! Funniest thing I’ve seen in years, and can I just say, I’m 55, and thought it was gonna get easier!!! Thanx for the reality check!!! lol

  20. Di September 25, 2014 at 5:08 pm #

    thank you thank you.. this was quite possibly the best blog I have ever read.. I have been crying laughing so hard reading this.. mostly because it is TRUE!

  21. wendy September 25, 2014 at 5:46 pm #

    hi there – I signed up for what I thought was your blog. But I guess it wasn’t.
    Where do I sign up for yours??
    thanx a bunch!!!!
    Wendy

  22. Lisa September 26, 2014 at 12:19 am #

    This is hysterical laughing until I cried!!!

    • JoJo September 26, 2014 at 1:09 pm #

      Can’t stop laughing! This is real!! We are normal!!

  23. GrandeMocha September 27, 2014 at 5:10 pm #

    I gave up and let my kid pack his own lunch. If nothing else, he learns to eat what he packs so he isn’t wasting his time.

  24. Tracy September 28, 2014 at 7:30 pm #

    Laughing hysterically and I have a cold so now my throat hurts. Thanks a lot.

    ;-)

  25. marilyn September 1, 2015 at 12:34 pm #

    It has been over 40 years since those school days, but, after reading your antics, I can see my memories still have not been healed.

    • Annie September 4, 2015 at 12:38 pm #

      Laugh out loud funny!
      Living nearly parallel lives.

  26. jon click October 10, 2015 at 4:31 pm #

    very nice job .I enjoyed the reading.

Leave a Reply