22 Mar
What (from the bottom of my heart) the actual fuck is happening? At the beginning of the year, I heard about this weird virus in China and saw pictures of people going about their day wearing masks and I, oblivious, was just all China’s bein’ weird y’all, but back to me, what’s my New Year’s Resolution? […]
6 Jan
The happiest place on earth is a goddamn lie. There I said it. Recently 700 of my closest relatives and I went to Disney World and it was magical exhausting and expensive. Here’s a few words of advice: 1.) You need to arise at Zero Dark Thirty to make it to the park before the […]
2 Jan
We were finally able to catch Star Wars Episode 765: The Last Jedi (please God I hope not. I feel like we can squeeze at least another three to four decades out of this never ending saga.) A brief recap. Kylo Ren is still high maintenance AF. He’s all “I’m on the dark side, no, […]
22 Aug
Last night the closing ceremonies for the 2016 Summer Olympics aired. If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a good part of the last two weeks glued to your television watching super athletes, who you’ll never be like, achieve their wildest dreams, while you ate ice cream, drank wine and lusted after the men’s water polo team. […]
3 Jun
It’s the end of the school year and shit’s falling apart like Gwen Stefani’s NuvaRing up in here. Tests, recitals, awards ceremonies, field trips, field days, field mice, crazy hat day, crazy shirt day, crazy sock day and every fund raiser under the fucking sun is knocking at your front door and you’re all “wasn’t […]
9 Feb
I recently read an article about how the owner of Hollywood’s favorite juice bar eats on the daily. I understood every other jaw-dropping word (did she just say she eats mushroom shit?) and demand some fucking answers. Moon Juice Lady: “I usually wake up at 6:30am, and start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath […]
25 Aug
One night, in the dead of the worst, apocalyptic, soul crushing Massachusetts winter ever, my husband was all “wanna move to North Carolina?” and I was all “Yeah. totally…” took a sip of my wine and continued to watch Ray Donovan. Turns out, he was serious. So a month ago, I quit my job, […]
22 Jan
In the past year or so, there’s been an influx of Facebook Yard Sale pages. A place to peddle your wares, buy a thirty-year old rusty car or maybe even meet a life partner. What the actual fuck? People will seriously sell anything on these pages. Creepy dolls, braids from ex lovers’ heads, used […]
21 Sep
Another September is almost in the books, the aftermath of new locker combinations, emergency contact forms and hand-slaps from Sister-Mary-One-Thumb are but misty-gin-colored memories in the bottom of my “morning coffee.” Thank God! As a favor to the “Sisters,” I’m minding the storefront today. Typically, I’m hiding in the back room performing technical support or acting […]
17 Sep
September 1st. Somewhere in the world: This year is going to be different. I’m going to have my shit together. I’m going to be the best mother ever. Becky from the PTA will worship me. Other mothers will fall at my feet begging, “what’s your secret?!” 1.) I’m going to make organic, non GMO, fresh, wholesome lunches made […]
